textures of time: Copypasta on OKCupid

Literally an entire year ago (October 2014), my friend, who was visiting at the time, and I decided to make a fake OkCupid profile. Well, actually, that's not entirely true. I decided to make a fake OkCupid profile for myself, because I wanted to do the quizzes and stuff, and I recruited my friend for help in trolling, because that's what I like to do in my free time.

It was fun, and we got a few messages and had a few laughs, but we mostly left the profile abandoned in the following months. Recently, however, I revisited the profile, and to my surprise I actually had quite a few messages.

But first, let's look at the profile, which is a work of art in and of itself:

It me. Also, I made this when I was 19, but I just screenshot (screenshotted?) this today.

And then I had the bright idea of genuinely listing all my favorite books, movies, shows, musics, and foods, because I am obsessed with myself. (And I'm only including this here because I got a few messages commenting on this part of my profile so I feel like it's relevant?? IDK)

Charming, isn't it? Looking back I am cringing so hard at what we wrote, but it was fun in the moment and I should just let that happy memory prevail in that context, right?

The next thing we did was start clicking on profiles. OkCupid notifies users when other people look at their profiles, and there's a reciprocal nature to the process (and we wanted some attention). I also started genuinely filling out some of the personality questions because, idk, why not? Like I said, I love personality tests because I am obsessed with myself. (I'm only half joking.) I started getting genuine matches with people and looking at other peoples' profiles genuinely as platonic friend candidates.

At this point I should note that I listed myself as "taken" on my profile, because I actually am. Like really, I have an IRL boyfriend. No, he doesn't care, and no, he doesn't think this is particularly funny.

Anyway, my friend and I had great fun trolling with people that night we made the profile, despite also weirdly getting too into it. Here's some early SFW positive comments:

We didn't really respond to these people because they seemed nice and not sociopathic and aware that my profile was entirely for laughs. But then, there was this guy, whose praise bordered on obsequious:

So my friend and I decided to fuck with him. We made this weird, stream-of-consciousness copypasta that we decided to use on unwitting OkCupid users. (He was the first.) And, lucky you! Here it is, copypasted below, free for use in the public domain:

Am I the right buffalo gal? I always wonder. Am I truly distinct, special, an aurora in a sky of blankness. Am I the third stone overturned by a wayward child?
Well, it could be any number of elements that compose the human body... or the universe in general. We are, of course, made of the same substance as the stars. Nitrogen, carbon, oxygen, not to even go into the molecules that we have in common with other living and non-living beings, namely, dihydrogen monoxide (in the vernacular -- "water").
We are also of course deeply genetically linked to, it has been said, the pigs and the chickens. And most shocking of all, we are 60% banana. I read a study that states that 60% of the human genome is banana. Look it up if you don't believe me!
I always feeel so alone. I have two roommates but nobody can speak my language. Nobody can feel my body. Nobody can sense that which makes me a woman. My pheromones? More like something deep, intrinsic, coming from within. I need this connection. I need this sweet salvation, supple, tensing my muscles from deep inside my core. My core burns like a chemical reaction. Do you ever feel like the world is so beautiful you could just... pop?